Saturday, September 3, 2011

Giving my wisdom away

(Please ignore the horrible title and allow me to complain for a second)

One week ago I had my wisdom teeth brutally taken from me. I was knocked unconscious, sliced open in four places, and four of the teeth that God gave to me were ripped from their sockets. The Oral Surgeon, or as I like to call him: Klepto McGee, tried to soften the blow by charging me money to cut open my mouth. I think he was a little confused about who was supposed to be paying who.

Then, as if to make up for his horrendous actions, he offered me a slip of paper with his permission for a pharmacy to give me certain medications. Mr. Charming didn't even offer to pay for those! Nope. So somehow this con artist has convinced ME to pay HIM to cut me open, swell up like a chipmunk, and give him five of my teeth. (yea, I said five. That's how he tricked me! Claiming another molar had to come out anyway and he'd do it all at once to save me the pain of going under twice. He's Harold Hill except with teeth!!).

Four days after the assault, shooting pain in my jaw forced me to drive back to the scene of the crime and have him stuff some form of bandage back into one of the holes he had created. After the initial pain, the demon gauze began working it's black magic and left me in a slightly loopy state that got me to agree to yet ANOTHER visit to him in a few days in which he removed the demon gauze. Which led to the accidental removal of stitches and bone graft material, which led to another visit, which was a 30 second meeting with old Klepto who told me everything was fine and then disappeared.

I've set up a meeting with him on Thursday. Unless he convinces me that he is sorry for his actions and legitimately ready to change his ways, I may need to alert the authorities. I'm not sure what joy a grown man gets from knocking out 20-somethings and stealing their teeth, but I'm sure there is a program he can enroll in.

Let this be a warning to all of you out there. This man is sick and dangerous. Guard your God-given teeth with vigor or you might just find yourself in my shoes: without wisdom teeth, but a little bit wiser nonetheless.